Kwesi Eye
(Preparing for school)
I could see Chicha had much care for me.
She was concerned and cared just like mother did.
Father?
What could I do to win my Father?
Maybe not be here at all. Would that do?
I guess Chicha and Mother will always make me feel better.
They are the only people here for me, the only people that see
Me. I’ll be better than Father when I grow up, I’ll pay attention
To all my kids and be there for my wife. For now I’ll be here for mother.
All we have is each other.
(sigh)
(Off to school with the other kids)
Kwesi: Let’s go play.
Friend: “Kwesi?”
Kwesi: Yes?
Friend: “Look Out!!!!”
SssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssss
Kwesi: AAAAAAAAAAahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mother!
Thump!
Friend: “Kwesi?”
Friend: “Kwesi?”
Friend: “Kwesi?”
SILENCE
Kwesi…
(extended version)
Kwesi: I’m sorry mother. I wanted to be there for you. I’m sorry it’s all over so quick.
Little one little done.
All we had was each other and now you are alone. If only I stayed with you today, just maybe another day would have saved the pain. I’ll forever love you and watch over you. Mother…oh mother be strong!! You have always shown me strength-you can do this-so long…
2 comments:
Ana, this story means a lot to me and your take on it was interesting. I like that you chose Kwesi as your main character because he does not speak that often in the story, which leaves a lot of room for you to be creative.
Your reliance on sounds (the "sss" helped you get your point across and, okay I'll admit it, amusing) and pictures (the snake) was so out of the ordinary. It was slightly reminiscent of Faulkner. Moreover, the extension of your story’s ending was really Faulkner-esque (it reminded me of As I Lay Dying). It’s interesting that you chose an encouraging tone from Kwesi’s perspective. I imagined him to be rather befuddled because of his death. But, I suppose one can’t be surprised about his or her death for too long; at some point, a person accepts death irrefutable invitation and joins the macabre party.
Your choice of leaving large spaces between paragraphs was very effective, too. You allow your readers enough time to take it all in. I didn’t think that was possible with short stories (usually, whenever I read a short story, I feel like someone is repeatedly punching me in the stomach; I don’t react until the story is over because I have no time to take it all in).
Aside from your aesthetical choices, I was a bit surprised by Kwesi's awareness of his father, his need to attract his father's attention. That was a good move on your part because it made me reconsider Kwesi's mentality. Surely he noticed that he is different from many (if not all) his friends, who probably live with two parents. This implies another dimension of the relationship between his parents, then, because Kwesi probably would not be interested in his father so much if his mother told him of the way she was treated by
Well done!
This is a very good description of Kwesi's last day. A tragic death and loss of a young boys potential. Because he is so young his death is so powerful and is the focal point of this story. Such a tragic death, captures the emotional aspect of a boy's struggle to gain acceptance by his father. A great perspective from the boy's point of view.
You did a very good job revealing the action and the sounds of Kwesi's death by snake and the essence of the experience. By seperating each paragraph and indicating sound, the reader becomes involved in Kwesi's experience. The story is a sad portrayal of loss and your entry captured the moment of transition.
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